I’ve written a page in a week. I cannot work in short bursts. I cannot. I try, but I can’t write. I can think, and jot, but not compose.
Translation: I am seriously fucked.
My advisor, bless her “no babies before dissertations!” heart, has been nothing but absolutely supportive. She’s a feminist theorist, so I had every right to expect this, but you never know what you’re going to get, especially since she told me DON’T GET PREGNANT after I got married.
Which is weird, come to think of it, because of everyone in our program getting married, I was the least likely to get pregnant. What I mean is that I didn’t come across, I don’t think, like a family planner (which makes sense because the pregnancy wasn’t planned). Of everyone around me having these big Christian t0-do weddings and buying houses and changing last names, I had a quick and dirty Unitarian ceremony followed by ice cream cake. Kept my last name, as well as the apartment Wizard and I lived in before getting married. I didn’t seem like the reproducing type, is what I’m sayin’. But tell that to my left ovary. (Did I mention that I know the pregnancy came from the ovary on the left? It did. Weird.)
Anyway, she wanted a chapter before the baby, and I didn’t produce (ha). So I tried to get something together over the summer, but I failed. She said this was fine because “it’s normal to need some time to get your bearings.” But now that I’m back at work, she is laying down the law. And she’s right. I need rules. I need someone to tell me DO IT NOW. She has gladly played the role of hand-holder and hair-smoother for the past few months, but…I’m running down the clock. And I can’t reasonably expect her to be patient and okay my slow slip into dissertation-abandonment.
I wish Godzilla (that’s what he’s nicknamed for now. You are welcome to suggest far-better alternatives) were more cooperative. Yes, I know, he’s a BABY. Cooperation is beyond his control. But right now, for example, he is sitting on my lap, just barely keeping it together without my undivided attention (and even so, I have to stop every few seconds to re-engage him in a mirror game of “who’s the baby?”). He won’t nap unless he’s on me, which for a while meant I was neutralized in the afternoon. Just recently he’s started napping on me in a sling, which means I can work if I do so quietly and don’t move too much. Ever since his cold he has refused to sleep in the crib for more than a few hours at a time, and after 2 am he’s done with the crib completely. Wizard keeps insisting that we’ve gotten screwed in the Cosmic Baby Habits Lottery, that he is just far more difficult and time consuming than the average baby, but I know that’s not true because I read you guys (Hi, Accidents!) and know you’re soldiering through these messes, too.
But, yeah. Won’t sleep in the crib. Must nap on me. Won’t spend more than 20 minutes entertaining himself (even though on a car trip he once entertained himself for TWO HOURS with a book about puppies. Where the hell did that baby go?) Hates to sleep and won’t settle down without lots of cuddles and walking about. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he learned how to control his pee stream, because he squirts me, just a wee little bit, at every change.
Oh, and solids? Damn, it takes a long time to feed these guys.
So go ahead and report me to protective services now, because I’ve basically listed out all the normal behaviors of infants and said they’re too much for me to handle. But they wouldn’t be, if I didn’t have the whole “thinking thoughts and writing them down” thing going on. I’d be fine if I could get two or three working hours in a row, but that’s not going to happen. I was silly to think it would.
I’ve been whining a lot here, so it’s only right to follow up that behavior with a plea. Are you a short-bursts writer? Can you pump out a paragraph in 20 minutes or less? That is, after being interrupted, can you pick up where you left off? How do you do it? I need writing strategies and would appreciate anything you’ve got.
I’m a purely short burst writer. I can’t imagine sitting still for a long enough period of time to be anything else. Although, I must confess that I’m also an obsessive outliner. The only long piece of writing that comes to mind is my undergrad thesis, and I had a long sprawling outline with notes all over it. So when sitting down to write, I just tap out one of those sub-sub-sub-sections and be done and not worry about it fitting in just yet since I trust the outline.
My vote for Godzilla’s name is Wilder (the baby from White Noise). Wilder, son of Wizard. That could get confusing I guess.
Wilder-so awesome!
Outlining…I’m sort of doing that now, but the major problem is that I don’t quite know how the sections fit together, which I know for me means that my thinking isn’t where it needs to be. Ugh.
How’s your work going? You’re writing all-math-all-the-time now, so I admit I’ve been skimming. :)
I’ve got nothing for you. I can do all other work (teaching stuff, reading, etc.) in the shortest of shortest bursts and find that my efficiency in those tasks has gone through the effing roof since H was born. But I can’t seem to get anything, not even a sentence, written unless I have 4+ hours blocked out. And I’m not in the house (I’ve never worked at home, so, surprise! it’s IMPOSSIBLE if there is a baby around, even in another part of the house). So I have to be at the library/office/coffee shop and I have to have at least 4 hours and that’s that. And I still don’t get anything written.
Damn, you were supposed to have the answer. But hey, let’s hear it for efficiency! Because, I know, RIGHT? I can get more done in 45 minutes than I used to get done in hours. And I used to be pretty efficient, I think.
The only problem is I can’t remember a thing if it’s not written down, but I’m pretty sure that has to do with the screwed up sleeping. And probably with the fact that the baby is always in the front of my mind, whereas I used to have a lot of time to think about stupid stuff, like which meeting was where and when.
I just want to give you mad props (is that still a cool expression?) for pushing ahead with the diss. I can’t imagine how taxing that is to your attention span.
In grad school, I had a short attention span and still do, but I’m not a good short burst writer either. This meant a lot of last-minute work.
Also, what good is your MIL if she isn’t taking care of the baby while you work?
Thanks. :) The first thing I said to my parents after “I’m pregnant” was “but I’m going to finish the dissertation!” It was like “but I’m going to finish high school!”, only more pathetic because I’m 30 and I still need to pacify my parents. Oy.
Regarding the MIL: she’s less helpful than she could be because of back problems, mainly. But I didn’t know about this until AFTER the 6-week stay was arranged. Double oy.
It’s good your advisor is laying down the law. I also have to work to deadlines or I can’t get anything done. However, I do not have a baby who needs to nap on me…so, good job even finding the energy to get this post written! Bravo!