Well, thank god for a reason to post ramblings that make no sense, because that’s about all I’ve got in me today. The lovely fetus is due to arrive in SEVEN DAYS. Since my OB practice doesn’t let you go past 41 weeks without induction, this means I have no more than 14 days to go. Go ahead, you ponder that. Because I’m not going to.
A few nights ago I had a panic-attack-type-thingy that took the form of “oh my god there’s a baby in there and I have to get it out I HAVE TO GET IT OUT HOW DO I GET IT OUT????” It was like…reverse claustrophobia? I felt hemmed in by the thing I’m hemming in. This baby, he’s messing with my brain waves. Like this one time I started falling asleep while talking on the phone and in response to a question I said “boob hat.” The conversation had nothing to do with either boobs or hats. Clearly the child has found a way to make me his puppet while I’m unconscious, and he has made it clear that he expects access to breasts and head gear when he arrives. Whatever, dude. You still have to get out of there in two weeks, tops. Haha. And then no more amniotic fluid laced with the essence of potato chips and cadbury mini eggs for YOU.
If I weren’t busy thinking about other things I’d be talking about Cadbury Mini Eggs–inspired by Jesus, created by the devil. I can eat so many of those things in one sitting I’m like a lizard on a nest raid. Wizard tells me they’re even better in their non-American form because some fancy countries use actual sugar and actual chocolate (hi, Canada!) in their sugar and chocolate products. Chocolate made of chocolate? You crazy!
It’s also Easter Week. I used to go to church a lot, back when I had religion and stuff. Now I’m just looking forward to the ham, which Wizard will also eat even though his god tells him to back away from the devilpig with its cloven hooves and delicious, delicious hind quarters. If you had to judge a religion based solely on the foods it celebrates and the foods it outlaws, Christianity would totally win. I mean, sure, there’s that whole bit about torture of infidels and abuse of women and shitting-upon of gays and all, but we’re talking about ham here. And wine. And ham basted in wine.
And…I think we’re done.
mmmmm… ham
I agree, the pros almost(kinda, sorta) outweigh the cons of Christianity. Do you plan of patenting that boob hat idea? I’d be interested in playing the roll of Billy Mays in the infomercial, yelling about how unbelievably awesome it is.
Great post! Good luck with the baby and the ham and the cadbery eggs! : )
too funny! reverse claustrophobia!
You will be a wonderful mother. I see you already have the worrying down pat. LOL
Praying you have a safe delivery and fast recovery.
What is it in those Cadbury eggs that has you people so fired up? Cocaine, heroin, meth?
Kids start the mind-control early, little buggers. Soon you’ll be sleep-deprived and starved to boot. I think cults use those as brain washing techniques.
I mean, um, YAY! One more week! :)